Survivors

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The grief process can be neither rushed nor scheduled. You and every child in your classroom will express your grief in different ways. Sandra Fox in the book Good Grief: Helping Groups of Children When a Friend Dies identifies the three tasks a grieving child must complete again and again: 1. understanding 2. grieving 3. commemorating.

The age and maturity of the children you are teaching will determine at what level this understanding will take place. In Helping Children Grieve When Someone They Love Dies by Theresa Huntly, the levels of understanding one can expect and the common concerns children have are organized chronologically, as stated below.

6-10 years of age

1. Can often accept death in others, but may not fully understand that death happens to everyone, especially themselves.
2. May personify death as something or someone bad that can come and get them.
3. Death may be frightening and scary and children this age may think the disease and death are contagious.
4. May begin really thinking about God and heaven.
5. May fear that if they're bad, the punishment may be death.
6. May feal they will be abandoned.

10-12 years of age

1. Death may still be viewed as a punishment.
2. Can understand facts surrounding the death and are often interested in details.
3. Picture death as terrible, not inevitable.
4. May begin to worry about pain and the loss of their own lives and lives of their loved ones.
5. May worry about issues caused by the death. Who will be my best friend now?
6. Death may become more of a spiritual experience.

12-18 years of age

1. Realize death is inevitable and irreversible.
2. Can be overly concerned with their own physical appearance, realizing that death destroys that.
3. Death can become an enemy.
4. May want to avoid death and reject funeral rituals.
5. May choose to keep sad feelings to themselves, to mourn privately.
6. May attempt to defy death by challenging it, for example, playing chicken on a busy street.

Children of all ages, however, need to internalize the fact that their friend is dead and will not be coming back. Understanding this hard truth is the first step.

The rituals associated with this loss, as in the formal visitation and funeral arrangements, are a part of the grieving process. Children should be allowed to participate, or not, as they feel comfortable. Most parents will have definite ideas about what is appropriate for their children in allowing or choosing not to allow their child to attend visitation and funeral services. Your acceptance of this decision will comfort your students that it's okay either way.

This grieving age can manifest itself in many ways depending on the nature of the relationship the child had with the deceased child. Be aware that some children may feel guilty if they weren't the best of friends with this child. For a period of time, children may want the child's desk and belongings to remain undisturbed. Children may even write notes or draw pictures of their dead friend. Tears may fall for no apparent reason in the middle of a lesson. A quick hug to acknowledge the pain is certainly appropriate. It's essential to never avoid discussion of the dead child. Happy memories are meant to be shared and can serve to reassure children that just because someone dies, they are not forgotten. Time for groups of children to meet and talk about their loss may be necessary to aid the healing process.

Parents also need support during this time of grieving. A parent letter explaining that support services are available for them as well as their children would be a great way to facilitate the community and caring spirit of your school. Your school counselor could even provide information and a time for parents to meet to discuss the very real difficult situation beautifully at school, while having nightmare at home. Parents feel the loss, too, and should not be overlooked.

Finally, there should be time for joy, for commemorating or honoring the life that was. Ways to bring closure to this tragedy will be examined next.

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US News - America's Best Children's Hospitals 2008

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