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The Empty Desk
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With any illness, the hope is certainly for a full recovery. Tragically, however, you may find yourself confronted with the empty desk, a glaring reminder of the death of a child. Facing your classroom and the empty desk is an emotional and highly individual experience. As a teacher, you bring to your classroom a composite of a lifetime of experiences, death among those experiences. Your personal reaction to the rituals attached to the loss of life can impact how your respond to the children in your classroom. The children will be looking to you to gently lead them throught this painful, sometimes foreign experience. It's important for you to find the strength to first deal with the loss yourself, and then to communicate this loss to the children and parents in your classroom. If possible, you may want to call the parents of the children in your class the night before you tell your students about their clasmate's death. Parents often appreciate the opportunity to talk about death in terms of their own value system and to prepare their child in a way that they feel is appropriate and consistent with their own beliefs. Their is no easy way to tell children that a friend and classmate has died. If you've built in a time for sharing, this would be an excellent opportunity for you to share in an already established safe place. Don't be afraid to cry and let the children see your very real grief. This will afford the children the freedom to express their own grief as well. With children, it's best actually, to use the word died or dead. The use of such euphemisms as passed away, gone away, left us for a better place, etc., confuse and frighten children. The children may literally wonder where he/she has passed away to. Most importantly, allow time to reflect, to cry, to be still. Children, as do adults, need time to assimilate this distressing news. Your students will invariable want to share their own experiences with death. Perhaps a relative has died or a pet. All of these revelations are essential to this process. Take time to listen, but be prepared for all kinds of responses. Children will run the emotional gamut from openly sharing a personal experience, to sobbing, to retreating inside themselves, even to not appearing to care or be affected by the news. All of these responses are normal. After you've allowed time for the news to settle in, discuss visitation and funeral arrangements. You may need to familiarize the children with burial customs. Letting the children assume ownership of the memorial flowers is a positive and tangible way the children can do something for their friend and his/her family. Decorating a coffee can with symbolic pictures in the favories colors of the deceased child and adding flowers picked from home is perfect if that is what your children decide. The family will recognize that love and thought behind this special offering. The decision is theirs to make. You can't go wrong with a gift from the heart. Be sure to let the parents of your survivors know of these plans. They may wish to pay their respects as well. The empty desk respresents in essence, the void of death leaves. Again, talk to your children, especially if you've got your children seated in copperative groups. That empty desk may impact those children in the group more than the others. Ask them what they think you should do with the child's desk. Many times the children will want it to remain exactly where it is. It's important to honor that wish even if it means for a while that wish become a shrine. Popsicle stick crosses and handcrafted angels may find their way to the desk as well as special pictures for the dead child. A plant perhaps sent to your class from the school community could very appropriately rest beside the children's gift on the empty desk--a poignant reminder that even in death, there is continuation in life. Creating a memory book with the children's reflections of special memories and pictures in one way to get your children to express themselves soon after you've broken the news. There is probably no more touching gift to present to the parents of this special child whose life you've shared. Children have much to teach us, especially at times like this. For many, through their contribution to the memory book, the conviction that their sick friend is now in heaven and is well and happy is an absolute. Their acceptance of the lass may come more readily, which does not imply that it is felt any less. Grieving is a process. After the final goodbyes have been said, the real journey begins for the survivors. [Keywords: empty desk] |
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